I get an error at first run. Exiting out of error dialogue and restarting on itch (web browser play) lets me load the game. I'd check to make sure starting variables are applying with a runtime error.
Nice layout and good start to using CSS. You can definitely make this stuff a bit nicer such as by skinning buttons, but as is already it looks very clean and organized!
Help file in opening menu is cool, but it also can be potentially overwhelming. I'm guessing this was a page you wrote up for a later settings link and decided to add to main menu - issue is I don't have context for any of this information and it's extra noise which can lead to a user backing out instead of playing. Great menu, but maybe add access later in gameplay when the player has context for the stuff being described.
Haven't played game books in the sense that you're using them, I think. I wanted to go back to main menu! Phrasing here makes me think I'm missing something or not the right audience for the game. Big points for making a tutorial, but need to think bigger than other players from your niche!
Way too much front loaded knowledge. You have a minute or three to convince people to play your game. Consider story wrapped around all these details, which will enhance player knowledge retention. I can imagining a fun starting plot when you're playing a game of cards and get to pick between luck or wisdom or something to roll for a win. Or dangle from a cliff - something which immediately demonstrates why the stats and the system is important to learn.
Ah this was just background details. Definitely add a "back" link to let player get back to main menu if you have multiple sub menus.
Credits page has formatting bug for link
Can't exit credits sub menu. Consider using a footer (updates to all pages you <<include>> or <<widget>> it in.)
Settings and character sheet have nice layout.
Need to reboot game, caught in menu loop mentioned above, though I can still use the top anchored image links (nice job on those btw).
Ok restarting and starting game.
Love your layout. So many twine games don't work easy on mobile. So far, yours is working great!
I like the poem, sets the scene.
Very slick UI with the buttons vanishing in character creation.
I think a more interactive/immersive starter process would really benefit your game.
Beautiful writing so far, but mind extraneous commas, eg after waters and sea beast. I'm getting Māori/Polynesian vibes - did you find me through Regenerate jam?
I want to click on Verda. Make sure to establish a design code/outlook of which formatting means important and which means link - using the beautiful poetry as part of the intro education could help with this. This is the first colored text I've seen, so I'm trying to click it, heh.
Loving the indents for dialogue, what an elegant concept which works great on mobile! This will cut down on overall vertical capacity, so make sure things scroll nicely.
Seeing $name instead of my name in Oli encounter. Using variables within dialogue or functions gets finicky in Twine. Message me if you need help with this, I can dig through my own code for fixes!
Writing is great: it's engaging and clean, but be wary of comma splices. Seeing a lot. Think about each bit of language on either side of the comma - if they can each form their own standalone sentence, you want to use something like semicolon, colon or hypen to separate them.
Revise for typos. Seeing a number of them.
Adjust CSS for combat button. It turns blue at first attack, which is a great way to show me my attack is hitting. However, it doesn't go back to normal, so further combat loses that impactful feeling of "changing something."
Combat system itself seems well planned, but would take a couple of playthroughs to investigate that in depth.
Going home, doing chill stuff and stamina being restored conveys very well. Makes me think that I can do that activity in the future to restore. Feels tutorial, in a good way. Great introduction of a new concept with narrative around it to make it feel natural - this is the type of example I was talking about earlier with the tutorial need.
Digging the lore
Ah, I think I'm at the end?
What a great start! You've got cool ideas, a compelling world, an interesting intro (how often are crafters focused on?!) and a solid combat system. This is one top of you figuring out how to make Twine UI work great for mobile, which is incredibly rare in games I try out!
Keep it up, you've got the seed of something great here! Also check out Choice of Games hosted games - your game feels like it might suit that market and you'd have a dedicated gamebook audience willing to try it out.
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I get an error at first run. Exiting out of error dialogue and restarting on itch (web browser play) lets me load the game. I'd check to make sure starting variables are applying with a runtime error.
Nice layout and good start to using CSS. You can definitely make this stuff a bit nicer such as by skinning buttons, but as is already it looks very clean and organized!
Help file in opening menu is cool, but it also can be potentially overwhelming. I'm guessing this was a page you wrote up for a later settings link and decided to add to main menu - issue is I don't have context for any of this information and it's extra noise which can lead to a user backing out instead of playing. Great menu, but maybe add access later in gameplay when the player has context for the stuff being described.
Haven't played game books in the sense that you're using them, I think. I wanted to go back to main menu! Phrasing here makes me think I'm missing something or not the right audience for the game. Big points for making a tutorial, but need to think bigger than other players from your niche!
Way too much front loaded knowledge. You have a minute or three to convince people to play your game. Consider story wrapped around all these details, which will enhance player knowledge retention. I can imagining a fun starting plot when you're playing a game of cards and get to pick between luck or wisdom or something to roll for a win. Or dangle from a cliff - something which immediately demonstrates why the stats and the system is important to learn.
Ah this was just background details. Definitely add a "back" link to let player get back to main menu if you have multiple sub menus.
Credits page has formatting bug for link
Can't exit credits sub menu. Consider using a footer (updates to all pages you <<include>> or <<widget>> it in.)
Settings and character sheet have nice layout.
Need to reboot game, caught in menu loop mentioned above, though I can still use the top anchored image links (nice job on those btw).
Ok restarting and starting game.
Love your layout. So many twine games don't work easy on mobile. So far, yours is working great!
I like the poem, sets the scene.
Very slick UI with the buttons vanishing in character creation.
I think a more interactive/immersive starter process would really benefit your game.
Beautiful writing so far, but mind extraneous commas, eg after waters and sea beast. I'm getting Māori/Polynesian vibes - did you find me through Regenerate jam?
I want to click on Verda. Make sure to establish a design code/outlook of which formatting means important and which means link - using the beautiful poetry as part of the intro education could help with this. This is the first colored text I've seen, so I'm trying to click it, heh.
Loving the indents for dialogue, what an elegant concept which works great on mobile! This will cut down on overall vertical capacity, so make sure things scroll nicely.
Seeing $name instead of my name in Oli encounter. Using variables within dialogue or functions gets finicky in Twine. Message me if you need help with this, I can dig through my own code for fixes!
Writing is great: it's engaging and clean, but be wary of comma splices. Seeing a lot. Think about each bit of language on either side of the comma - if they can each form their own standalone sentence, you want to use something like semicolon, colon or hypen to separate them.
Revise for typos. Seeing a number of them.
Adjust CSS for combat button. It turns blue at first attack, which is a great way to show me my attack is hitting. However, it doesn't go back to normal, so further combat loses that impactful feeling of "changing something."
Combat system itself seems well planned, but would take a couple of playthroughs to investigate that in depth.
Going home, doing chill stuff and stamina being restored conveys very well. Makes me think that I can do that activity in the future to restore. Feels tutorial, in a good way. Great introduction of a new concept with narrative around it to make it feel natural - this is the type of example I was talking about earlier with the tutorial need.
Digging the lore
Ah, I think I'm at the end?
What a great start! You've got cool ideas, a compelling world, an interesting intro (how often are crafters focused on?!) and a solid combat system. This is one top of you figuring out how to make Twine UI work great for mobile, which is incredibly rare in games I try out!
Keep it up, you've got the seed of something great here! Also check out Choice of Games hosted games - your game feels like it might suit that market and you'd have a dedicated gamebook audience willing to try it out.
wow! thank you so much for the feedback, appreciate this so much :D
I'm constantly learning an altering everything, i feel i'm getting closer, and this are all fantastic points, thank you taking the time to write this
new version uploaded, still trying to learn how to make it all mobile friendly, hopefully will work out soon!
I'm glad my longform "test logs" are helpful. :)